The Unexplained . . .

You see, my specific diagnosis for my infertility is

“unexplained”.

What does this really mean?

Frankly, I don't know . . . I don't like the answers I have been receiving. I keep hearing, it's good news . . . it really is. We know you can conceive, because you have. Right now, you just need a little help.

I'm mad though. I am, I don't know why, no I take that back, I do know why. I want an answer. A real answer. Not this one, not, you are not getting pregnant because of unexplained infertility. I want someone to tell me exactly why . . . the specific reason why I am not conceiving. Because it is killing me this not knowing.

I started this baby making phase late in my life, my son was born when I was 34 years old. I conceived my son on the first try.

We started trying for our second child as soon as I got a period (delayed due to nursing my son) and I was pregnant again when my son was 12 months old. Again, I conceived without really trying, on the first "try" and my daughter was born three days after my 36th birthday.

Once again, I waited for the elusive period to begin due to nursing and once it did, we were trying for the next baby and I was pregnant and over the moon happy. But later I had a miscarriage. This happened the day before Thanksgiving that year and we were sorting for our move to Beijing. A lot of family stresses were going on at that time and I believe I miscarried due to all that stuff. However, the official diagnosis of my miscarriage was random chromosomal abnormalities.

Eleven days later we were trying again and I got pregnant again and later, I miscarried again. During that entire pregnancy, I was petrified, terrified, rocked to the core that I would miscarry. I perhaps worried myself to the death of that child. I don't know. But, in my heart, for some reason, I knew that I would lose that baby as well. The diagnosis again was random chromosomal abnormalities.

At this time, my husband was already in China working and waiting for us to arrive. I did not want to travel until I passed the 12 week safety net. I never made it that far. I was beyond devastated. I was depressed and inconsolable and my husband came home to try to help me. I, of course, wanted to try again, even though my Dr told me to wait 2 months. I got pregnant again and miscarried shortly after. My doctor told me I now needed to wait 6 months to try to conceive again and she would prefer that I wait completely until I returned from China.

I waited the full 6 months and in the meantime let Beijing heal my broken heart. I was very sad when we arrived in Beijing and I just let all of that city engulf my heart to get over my grief. I went to a Chinese hospital and got some notes on what herbs to drink in my teas and went back to her the next month and she looked at my tongue and smelled my breathe and wanted to know about my poops and she told me to try. So we did, in Phuket, Thailand and we conceived. And I was elated and healed. And I knew that I would carry this baby to term and I did.

We moved home when I was 10 weeks pregnant and I wasn't able to get into my Dr until I was 11 weeks. Oh the joy to hear that heartbeat. At 13 weeks, I started to have many minor complications and they continued throughout the pregnancy. Nothing too major that would put me on bed rest, but just little bumps in the road, but I was still considered high risk and monitored much more than my other pregnancies. But I didn't mind at all because I really got to know this baby in my belly with my bi-weekly and weekly and then almost daily ultra sounds.

I remember when I was getting stitched up from my C-Sect asking my Dr if I could have another baby and she said "let's talk about it in 10 weeks".

I did discuss it at my checkup and she warned me of all the dangers that I would be facing with another pregnancy and that I did need to wait one full year. That year passed and I was ready, but dear hubbie was not. He was adamant that he did not want another baby. He and I had struggled through the past year with great difficulty and were not on the greatest of terms ourselves. Then another year passed and I was still waiting for him to agree to try for another baby.

The sadness was once again settling in around me over not having another baby. I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that I wouldn't be having another baby. I had not made that decision in my heart and I just couldn't get settled with this information. My husband and I really, really, discussed this and he finally decided that he was being stubborn and selfish and that we should try to have another baby. So we started to try.

I was 40 years old and we were trying for our fourth baby. I fully expected to be pregnant . . . and I wasn't. I can't even begin to articulate my shock over not getting pregnant. So we tried again, and again and again and again and again and nothing. All those months and nothing. I started to take my temperature, clock my ovulation, chart this and that and still nothing. I turned 41 and still no baby.

My husband and I discussed this, and prayed about this and spoke on it more. Is this God's will? Does God really intervene in this manner? I'm just not sure, I think he does, but why won't he give us another baby when I so desperately want one. Is that why, because I want it so desperately? What lesson am I supposed to learn from this? I pray often and I just don't hear the answer . . . more likely I am not listening.

Throughout this time all I hear from family members and friends is "Another one?" "Why do you want another child?" "You have enough children!" "No, don't have another baby" So I stopped telling people that I was trying to have a baby. Then I received this wonderful card from a dear friend letting me know that my journey for another baby is supported by her. She brought tears to my eyes and made me realize that this journey is my own and not to pay attention to the words of others.

I then went to my Dr to ask why and her first answer to me was well in our advanced maternal age our egg supply diminishes. So we ran some tests and a bunch more tests. And she called me and left a message on my answering machine that I needed to see a fertility specialist because according to her, I should be getting pregnant. {My FSH is 6.6 & my P4 is 17.30 and everything else is near perfect}

I called and made the appointment and in the mail a few days later came this packet of information and forms for me to review and sign. I read everything and signed everything and went to my appointment. Next on the list was more blood tests, for myself and for hubbie this time around. Then came the ultrasounds.

Then came the diagnosis: Unexplained Infertility.

Unexplained infertility is a diagnosis given after all other possibilities have been excluded. That basically means, after going through the diagnostic processes there is no explanation for the infertility. My hubbie has a normal semen analysis. I ovulate and my hormone levels are all within normal limits. In addition, my uterus is free of anatomical abnormalities and my fallopian tubes are open.

I have been told to keep trying each month regardless of all the testing that has been taking place. We have been and no pregnancy yet. My options at this point are to choose a treatment.

And I can't . . .

I don't want to take medication to help me get pregnant . . .

I don't want to have my husband's sperm injected into my uterus . . .

I don't want to release more than one egg and possibly have twins . . .

I just want to have a baby the good old fashioned way . . . like I have in the past.

To say that I am beyond frustrated is an understatement . . . my husband asked me last night if I had made a decision yet and to let me know that he supports whatever decision I make. I was speaking with a good friend of mine and she told me that if I take Clomid, I will have twins. I do not want twins . . . I know this sounds terrible, but I know what I am capable of and I am not capable of taking care of twins. This same friend asked me quietly . . . "do you think you are being financially responsible if you have another baby?" And this quiet question has unnerved me. I can't stop thinking about it. Am I? I don't think I would be, especially since I don't work. The financial burden is all on my husband's shoulders and he is going to be 50 years old very soon.

Two weeks ago, I was ovulating and I didn't pester my husband once during this four day period. Frankly, I can't pee on one more stick . . . I've been doing it for over a year and I just can't do it one more month. I have three beautiful children that I need to focus all of my attention on and I need to stop whining about what I don't have and relish in what I do have.

That is my decision today . . . perhaps not tomorrow . . . but for today . . . I'm still quietly thinking about the unexplained.

UPDATE: We tried three rounds of Clomid in early 2012 and nothing. Good ovulation, in fact, great ovulation. No pregnancy though. I'm sad, still so very sad. But, soon I will turning 44 and I think my time has passed.