Wednesday Wanderings

It is pouring rain outside right now.

My children are sick right now. Son was vomitting last night.

Daughter and Baby each have diarrhea. All have low grade temps.

All have the flu I fear!

I didn't sleep any better last night.

Why am I so tired?

Why does being a good parent mean being tired all the time?

Last night, it's midnight, and I'm in bed. The children are sound asleep, as is hubbie, who is snoring blissfully in my ears. Lights are off, bedroom is pitch black, sleep machine is on LOUD, Baby is snuggled in my arms, pillows on my stomach (old pregnancy habits). I am profoundly exhausted from 2 nights of no sleep, from days of cleaning & laundry & grocery shopping & cooking (MIL & FIL came over for the afternoon on Sun), shuttling my children to various activites and playing with my children - and yet I'm not sleeping. I can't sleep.

Instead I'm thinking about what my huband told me last night.

"My boss told me to be worried about my job" Just. like. that.

My mind is racing, will I be able to find a job after a six year hiatus, will we have to sell our house, will the children be able to go to private school any longer, if I find a job, how can we pay for everything on my salary, which would be half what my husband presently makes, can hubbie take care of the children if I work, I wonder if my old employer is hiring, I don't have any clothes to wear to a normal job, do I remember anything financial, what if I can't remember anything, who would hire a women with 3 young children who has been out of work for 6 years, tomorrow I need to cancel the landscapers, tomorrow, tomorrow, oh tomorrow. Oh, it's hot in here, I need to open a window.

And I am thinking about my brother

Oh brother, my brother, is he okay, I hope he wasn't stupid today, I hope his crazy gilfriend didn't cause any trouble today, I hope he stayed out of trouble today.

And I am thinking about my children.

I should check on the children, maybe they kicked their covers off. Oh they are so cute when they are sleeping. Son is so tired, he's snoring. Oh crap, I woke the baby. Okay baby, come here, let's eat. Oh crap, there goes my legs. (RLS - Restless Leg Syndrome - it sucks - enough said). Oh sorry baby, I can't sit any longer, my legs, my legs. Please stop crying, just sleep baby, just sleep. Oh, I'm so tired, my brain hurts. Hi Daughter, you need some help going potty. You want to sleep with momma, okay, let me get your blankies. Oh, it's cold in here, I need to shut that window.

I finally fall asleep about 3 hours later. Well, I'm not sure, I just didn't look at my watch past 2:30 am. I was up at 5:45 am this morning. My brain is foggy today.

Welcome to my nights. It looks like this every night.

I had three babies in succession. No one has slept through the night, maybe periodically, but mostly never. BedTime Antics I have been out of whack since 2001. Well actually prior due to the RLS. But I can't take medication for RLS because since 2000 I have been trying to get pregnant, pregnant, breast feeding, pregnant, breast feeding, trying to get pregnant, pregnant, trying to get pregnant, pregnant, trying to get pregnant, pregnant, breast feeding and still breast feeding.

I am sleep deprived. I have been sleep deprived for 8 years now.

I guess it is good that the children are sick today, because I don't think my driving skills will be quite up to par. Foggy brain! Hey I match the weather today!